Saturday, November 27, 2010


I apologize for not writing in so long.  I will endeavor to write at least every other day.  Many wonderful & not so wonderful things have occurred, since July.

I have begun a romantic & sexual relationship, with the full knowledge & approval of Beloved, my live in boyfriend.  Although P & I come from different worlds & on the surface he is not someone I would have chosen, I have fallen in love with him.

The three of us have had to become negotiate our new lives.  For the most part, I spend alternating night with each of them, in the same home, but different rooms.  P has claimed the 2nd spare bedroom as his, not feeling comfortable in sleeping or having sex in the bedroom I normally share with Beloved.

Things have not been completely smooth.  Both boyfriends love & adore me.  Therefore, I am always the center of attention for both & both always desire my attention, when I am near.  As you can imagine that get s a bit wonky, when the three of us are spending time together, though that is rare.  Beloved has mention that he thinks I focus on P more when the three of us are together.  I am unsure of whether that is true.  However, now that I know Beloved's feelings, I have paid more attention to my actions.  On the flip side, P feels a sense of wonkiness, when he is around Beloved.   He says he does not feel jealousy or hate, but a feeling of Beloved being proprietary of me.  P asked that I not mention these things to Beloved.  I agreed not to, but I did say that he needs to say something to Beloved himself, if he expects anything to change.

P has alluded to moving in with Beloved & me.  I would love for that to come true, although I don't think it would be practical any time soon, especially considering the recent revelations from both boyfriends.  In addition, P has some real estate he needs to sell, before he decides where he is going to live.  Beloved has not said no to the idea.  There are advantages to three adults living together, including financial stability & larger home.  For us, that would be going from a three bedroom apartment to a single family home.  In my opinion, Beloved should not bring up the topic of living together, until P brings it up first.

My life with Baby, my 14-year-old daughter, has become more sad & stressful.  She has refused to spend Thanksgiving with family, choosing to spend it with her friend.  She has a tendency to act out negatively when she is forced to see her father overnight.  This past week she was suppose to spend four days with him, something she has not done, since she rejected him in the June of 2009.  To make sure that did not occur, she disappeared, going instead to her friends.  Her father left town without her, in order to focus on his holiday with his new family.

I have not been particularly strong in all of this.  I cried out of the sadness Baby has caused. I have cried of frustration for having to love this child that is virtually impossible to love & now whom I am fighting for custody of on December 20th.  However, I have decided that I will no longer allow her to control me or my emotions.  Sadly, I have become apathetic to my only child.