Thursday, May 13, 2010

Marianne Williamson Quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Favorite Movie Quote

When people wonder about my life & why I have not gotten more upset about my circumstances, this is my answer to them.  “I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world.  Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once & it’s too much.  My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst & then I remember to relax & stop trying to hold onto it.  Then, it flows through me like rain & I can’t feel anything but gratitude, for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

Top 20 Best Sellers

"You give the best hugs"

M & Beloved seemed to stay close, even though she changed her mind on seeing him romantically, although it is a bit uncomfortable now.  M has been going through a court process that has taken a toll on her spirits.  Beloved has been kind enough to comfort her, even giving her hugs at work.  In response to a hug earlier in the day, M texted Beloved saying, "You give the best hugs".  The text conversation then began to have sexual innuendos.

I thought the texts were inappropriate, considering the nature of their relationship now & Beloved agreed.  He said he would mention to M that he feels uncomfortable with the flirtation, just as he had to do with F last year, when their romantic relationship failed, even though he was still working with her.

Dancing Again

I recently heard from my old boyfriend, Q.  We have the oddest relationship that started about 8 years ago, during my divorce process.  Since then, we have lived together, unlived together, had bootie calls, not spoken for months, worked together, lusted after each other & hated each other.

I heard from him about a month ago.  In his email he said, "I've got a bizarre naked painting/art project I am thinking of.  It involves full nudity, latex paint, and canvas flats.  I see it being anywhere from 4 hours to 8 hours depending upon how well it goes.  I thought of you since you fit several requirements - first off in my experience you have no problem being nude, second you are buxom, and third you are a bit of a freak and it probably wouldn't offend you if I wanted to paint your body and then use it to "print" canvas.  So let me know if you want to try this, I understand if you don't.  I'm thinking Sunday around 5 or 6 PM or so."

My response was, "Your project sounds like a tremendous amount of fun & something I have never done before.  It is also something intimate that should be done between friends.  You & I have not connected as friends in a very long time.  It would be very awkward for me & I will have to turn down your request.  I hope you understand.  Thanks again for the consideration.  I am truly flattered."

The final correspondence on the matter came from him, when he said "Got it."

To say we had not connected as friends was a weird understatement.  I work for him & we work together side by side regularly.  However, during those times, he never says anything of a personal nature to me, not even asking how my weekend went.  In addition, he never touches me in public, even as he is giving other women co-workers hugs.  I just got sick of the split personality kind of thing, hence my polite, but cold response.

Then, three days ago he emailed me saying, "What are you doing Wednesday evening?  I have a new grill I would like to break in."  We actually made plans to have dinner at his house, with me leaving soon thereafter to work.  However, our plans fell through, as a result of a business drama for him.

Q used to drive me nuts.  However, because I am in a healthy polyamorous relationship, with Beloved, I have a wonderful reference for how a relationship should work.  I no longer tolerate bad behavior from him.  Yet, sometimes he still gets to me.

When Beloved asked what was going on in my head, when I thought about Q, I explained it this way.  Men are like fine tuned instruments to me.  I can easily make them do as I please, as they play fun music for me, like a jingle.  The melody sticks in my head for a bit, as I enjoy their entertainment.  However, once something else comes along, I lose interest.

Beloved is like "Ave Maria".  I know every note & every word of the song in three languages.  Every time I hear it, I cry.  Although I know the song,   He is simply beautiful.

When I think of Q, I search for the notes.  I struggle to find them.  Once every few months, I hear a cord.  They are the most beautiful & intense five notes I have ever heard.  I desperately try to find them again.  I cannot, no matter how hard I try.

Beloved is predictable in his love for me.  He is without a doubt the most compatible lover I have ever had.  If I think about how much I love him, I cry.  His beauty is intense & unyielding.  I cannot figure out Q.  He is unpredictable.

Beloved believes we are "not done".  He says that I scare the bejeebus out of Q.  However, neither he nor I can deny the energy that flows between us.  We shall probably be dancing for a lifetime.

As you noticed, I have a tendency to equate people with some facet of music, whether lyrics or instruments.  So, you can understand when I can easily see Q thinking the lyrics of this song, when he thinks of me:

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides