Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Featured Adult Toy

Thank you!

Before I go any further in my blog, I would like to take this opportunity to think everyone who made me smile over the last 6 months. Without you, I would not be able to hold my head up high & be completely happy with who I am, without any regrets. Although this is going to sound very cheesy, your love & support of me is the elixir of my soul. Thank you for the quenching. Jeebus, my blood sugar just escalated!

I thought I had lost my mind!

I had just finished pumping gas, when I hopped back into the car to start it. I COULD NOT FIND MY CAR KEY! I did just pull into the gas station. I did just have it in my hand, until I went to pump gas or was it all a dream?! I spent the next 10 minutes looking for it, as I pretended that I was still pumping gas, so the people around me did not think I HAD LOST MY MIND. Jeebus, I need a new keychain & a new brain.

Cock Control

There are a lot of men out there who do have issues with erection control and/or premature ejaculation, and the good news is there is an answer for you. There are a few options for you to choose from, all with their own pros and cons, but all mostly pros! There isn't a reason you should have to experience an embarrassing encounter such as not being able to hold it any more and blowing your load way to early.

Why not try an erection controlling cock ring? These are made out of a strong material such as rubber or silicone, and are built to last! Tight fitting, these rings are placed on the penis while still limp, or just semi-erect, and slid down to the base of the shaft. Using lubrication for easy removal is a great idea. Then simply let your partner arouse you and get your penis hard, or use a penis pump, and the ring will jump into action.

How it works is the ring will only let blood flow one way, into the shaft. Blood not being able to escape will ensure you keep your penis hard and ready for intercourse. This can be quite dangerous if not done properly. If you use a penis pump, you can experience blood veins bursting inside the shaft, leading to bleeding and bruising. The ring also restricts oxygen flow to the penis, which can also be potentially harmful.

To avoid this and possibly other disasters, it is not advised to wear a very tight cock ring for more than 20 minutes during an entire session. This way you can have your ultra hard on, and reduce the risk of injury. It is a good idea to visit your doctor before using a cock ring if you are not sure about your risks.

Cock rings also help in avoiding premature ejaculation by squeezing the urethra and not letting semen flow through when you are close to an erection. This should not be used as a form of birth control, as some semen may slip through, and enter the vagina.

Another way of controlling ejaculating to soon is by using a prolonging cream. These delay creams contain the ingredient Benzocaine. Benzocaine is a widely used local anesthetic that slightly numbs the head of the penis, desensitizing it, and allowing the sensations of intercourse to not feel to intense.

Benzocaine is used in many topical pain killers, and with other ingredients in medical formulas. It numbs the penis by blocking some of the sensations and telling your brain it is not good enough to ejaculate yet! Benzocaine should not be used as a pain reliever for anal sex, as pain is your body's natural way of telling you something is not right, and numbing the pain and doing it anyway can lead to major damage. As far as anal sex is concerned, it should be pain-free, and if it is not, perhaps you need more time with small anal toys to train the muscles in the anus to enjoy the sensations.

Benzocaine delay lubricants come flavored, or odorless and tasteless or with added ginseng for a stronger effect. An alternative to Benzocaine is Yohimbe, which is a natural ingredient found in the bark of the West-African Evergreen. This alkaloid is used as a treatment for erectile dysfunction, and has traditionally been used as an aphrodisiac. This ingredient is natural and a great alternative to Benzocaine.

Whatever your method, erection control and premature ejaculation can be treated and avoided easily, safely and quickly. Try different methods and see which one works best for you. Consult a physician before using a product or sex toy you are unfamiliar with and may potentially be dangerous, such as penis pumps for erection control.

Penis Pumps For Penis Enlargement

Many think penis pumps to be one of two things: a wave of the future, or the most dangerous thing you can do to your favorite bits. Well, in reality penis pumps fall into both of these categories, but mostly in between. Penis pumps have helped many men, but can be very dangerous if not used properly. With some simple care and no overuse, penis pumps may be successful for you in more ways than one.

To get one messy theory out of the way, penis pumps do not really give you “more length”. This is pretty much impossible to do without painful surgery and months of recuperation. Instead what they do is help you get a raging hard on! So for men who have a hard time getting an erection in the first place, or for men who want a slightly larger erection than your natural erection, penis pumps are one of the most helpful tools.

So to use a penis pumps, always follow the instructions provided with your pump. Before you beginning using your penis pumps, it is best to massage and stretch your penis for 3-5 minutes to get it warmed up and ready to go. A warm body, penis and scrotum will pump easier and safer, and the blood will flow easier. It is always easier if you lubricate your penis before beginning, this way when you go to remove your penis from the pump, it will slide out easily and not pull painfully.

Next, slide your penis in to the plastic tube, and make sure the seal at the base is secured and air locked around the base of your penis. Do not insert your testicles into the pump, as they are not part of the pumping process! Begin pumping slowly; no pain or discomfort should be felt when pumping. Once again, read your instructions to know what pressure you should pump to. You should always use the minimum amount of pressure needed to reach your erection.

Only pump until you have reacher an erection slightly larger than your natural erection, but be careful. Improper use of a penis pump can result in rupturing blood vessels under the skin or inside the shaft of the penis, which can lead to hemorrhaging and other medical conditions. If ANY discoloration or major pain should be experienced, see a medical professional straight away.

If you follow the instructions and never exceed the minimum pressure you need to reach your erection, everything should work fine, and you should be able to enjoy a rockin' hard on! 99% of penis pumps will come with a quick release valve for added safety. Once you are finished pumping, simply push the quick release valve to release the pressure.

Some penis pumps are simple, and some have fancy additions, like a vibrating tongue at the top that will tickle your head while you pump, getting you way more aroused for intercourse. These little added functions are a great addition to any pump, but do not interferer with the pumping process.

Enjoy your new penis pump, and never forget to read the instructions fully before beginning. Make sure you wash your pump thoroughly as to not grow bacteria in the tube. Also, discontinue use and see a medical professional if any discomfort, pain, swelling or discoloration should be a result of use. Have fun and love your new, bigger erection.

The History of Dildos in America

Since the beginning of recorded time the most common health complaint among women was ‘hysteria’, a medical term used to describe a woman in mental or emotional distress and a condition that was thought to be in need of immediate treatment.

To treat the so-called ailment, doctors and midwives massaged the genitals to "hysterical paroxysm," as the orgasm was scientifically termed, to release held-back energies.
The procedure was performed in doctor’s offices, health spas, and the home as a standard medical procedure.

In the mid-1600’s Doctors recommended the following treatment for hysteria:
"...massage the genitalia with one finger inside using oil of lilies, musk root, crocus or [something] similar. And in this way the afflicted woman can be aroused to paroxysm (orgasm)…most especially for widows, those who live chaste lives, and religious is less often recommended for very young women, or married women, for whom it is a better remedy to engage in intercourse with their spouses."

19th century religious proscriptions against self-masturbation meant that Doctors or midwives rather than the individual performed the stimulation. Most doctors did it because they felt it was their duty, but considered it a chore, as manual massage was fatiguing and slow, taking up to an hour to ‘complete’ the procedure.

Beginning in the early 1800’s, Doctors designed many other procedures for arousing women and alleviating the symptoms of ‘hysteria’ for a time including rocking chairs, a swing, and vehicles that bounced the patient rhythmically on her pelvis. It appears however that the women of the day had the problem well in hand.

By 1870 the gentle Doctors got on the right track with a wind-up vibrator made available to both spas and physicians. Obviously no woman was interviewed during the design stage as in field trials it had a tendency to run down before the treatment was complete.

Shortly after the wind up vibrator fiasco, vibrator development took another distinctly male design turn when an American physician patented the "Manipulator" - a steam-powered massage and vibratory apparatus. He warned that patients should be careful to avoid over-manipulation.

Finally, in the 1880’s a British physician invented the electromechanical vibrator for use as a medical instrument issuing in the golden years for dildos. Other physicians followed suit with contraptions intended to serve as vibrators. Articles and textbooks on vibratory massage technique praised the machine's versatility for treating nearly all diseases in both sexes and saving physicians’ time and labor. These vibrators reduced the time of "getting there" from up to an hour to approximately 10 minutes.

By the end of the 19th century, some doctors were advising women to come in for such treatments once a week.

In an effort to better serve the patient, convenient portable models become available, permitting house calls. Vibrators had come of age as an accepted health and relaxation aid.
The electric vibrator was invented right after the electric sewing machine, fan, teakettle and toaster, and before the electric vacuum cleaner, the electric iron and the electric fry pan.
The Home Needlework Journal advertised its line of vibrators with the slogan "all the pleasures of youth will throb within you."

As the market became more competitive, ad copy for vibrators was coy and ambiguous. "Be a glow getter," one package insert suggests. And who wouldn't be tempted to experience "that delicious, thrilling health-restoring sensation called vibration," when assured that "it makes you fairly tingle with the joy of living"?

The Sears and Roebuck & Company Electric Goods catalog promotes a vibrator attachment for a home motor that also drives attachments for churning, beating, buffing and fan operating America’s housewives had all but eliminated long bouts of ‘hysteria’ when 1920 Stag films started using vibrators as props. Orgasm without penetration! The vibrator's era as a medical appliance had ended. Advertisements for vibrators gradually disappeared from respectable publications as vibrators transgressed to becoming sex toys.

1960s: Vibrator re-emerges and is openly marketed as a sex aid. It is quite astounding that in the 1970’s Medical authorities still assured men that a woman who does not reach orgasm during sexual coitus was flawed or suffering from some physical or psychological impairment. It wasn’t until the 1990s that research showed that more than half of all women, possibly more than 70 percent, do not reach orgasm by means of penetration alone.

Vibrators are now a big business; after all, as a vintage advertisement claims, "almost like a miracle is the miraculous healing force of massage when rightly applied."

Men & Fish

"Men," I said with a self deprecating sigh, "are like fish. You can cast the same lure at them over and over again, making it wiggle and jiggle and they will go for it every single time. They'll swallow it hook line and sinker--unless they somehow manage to lose their appetite."

~Ed Wolfstaag

"the stupidity of some girls "

I am stunned at the stupidity of some girls in the sex worker industry. Through the grapevine, I heard that a sex worker wanted to visit me at my former residence, because she had questions about a domain name that I own. This is the same sex worker who was listed in my arrest report, although she was not arrested along with me. However, her previous arrest for prostitution, stage name, full name, address, birth date, driver’s license number, & license plate number were listed in the report.

She wants to see me in person? You have got to be friggin’ joking! No only am I going to avoid her like the plague, I will make sure I never have contact with her again. You would think after being arrested once in 2002 & then popping up on someone else’s arrest report she would take it as a sign from the universe that she should drop out of the industry. However, she obviously sees it as a challenge & continues to use her original stage name. To top it all off, she wants to associate with me, in order to get a stupid domain name!

The Woodhull Freedom Foundation and Federation (WFF)

The Woodhull Freedom Foundation and Federation (WFF) work through research, advocacy, and public education to affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right.

We address laws, government policies, and corporate practices that restrict sexual freedom and discriminate against people on the basis of their consensual sexual expression.

The Foundation addresses these issues through research and public education, while the Federation conducts strategic advocacy campaigns.

The global perspective of the Foundation and Federation relies on research and analysis of laws, judicial decisions and enforcement practices.

Through education, we seek to mobilize diverse communities, write model legislation, build alliances, and change public attitudes to advocate for the sexual rights and responsibilities of all.

  • We educate the public on the importance and value of sexual freedom and counter the arguments of groups seeking to restrict sexual rights;
  • We advocate for decriminalization and social acceptance of consensual sexual expression;
  • We seek to change antiquated, repressive and discriminatory sex laws and enforcement practices;
  • We advocate for freedom of speech and artistic expression on sexual themes;
  • We promote the empowerment of people to take control of their bodies and their sexuality;
  • We support legal action to overturn court decisions adverse to sexual freedom and privacy rights, and we work to affirm and expand decisions, like Lawrence v. Texas, that support sexual freedom and privacy;
  • We oppose abstinence-only sex "education" and endorse an age-appropriate, comprehensive approach to sex education; and
  • We seek to protect and foster scientific research on sexuality.

Say it with me, “ARRESTED”.

Why is it that people have a hard time saying the word “arrested”? I have run across many people in person & online, who I knew me before my arrest. Each of them has used terms like “bad luck” & “hard time”. In my head I am thinking, “I was arrested. It’s not a dirty word & nothing I am ashamed of. I was arrested. Say it with me, “ARRESTED”. Being arrested just means I get to move on & do things that I have only dreamed about. Arrested means awakening!

Neimans handcuffs.jpg

Lesson Learned

I ran into a very interesting conversation online last night. Through one of my high school reunion profiles, my brother’s best friend from high school found me.

He mentioned he has a crush on me, when I was a teenager, & wondered if I had ever liked him. I was stunned, because as a teenager, I was awkward & very uncomfortable with myself. Obviously, he was too, if he had a crush on me. I am certain I echoed something he saw in himself.

As always, the conversation turned sexual. I am not sure why that happens, as I do not bring up the topic, unless prompted. He wanted to know what I was “into”. Earlier in the conversation, I found out he was getting married in a few weeks & I refused to answer his question, until he had gone through with the ceremony. In my head I was thinking, “I am into everything your wife is not.”

I had the same conversation with a boy a few years ago. However, I shared with him my sexual kinks the week before he got married. It was a huge mistake. After talking with me online for a few days, he decided to call off his wedding. Later I learned it was because of the conversations I had with him, as well as some other personal reasons.

I felt really really bad about the situation & learned a valuable lesson.

Dungeon Psychology & Money

Summer is the slow time for every facet of the sex industry. From phone sex to professional dungeons to escorts, every one with a wallet seems to be on vacation with the family.

The only long term downfall in the industry I noticed was right after 9/11. Well, at least for escorts. In terms of professional dungeons, their business increased. My thoughts are escorts are a luxury. However, domination is a necessity for many. Many people in positions of authority enjoy professional dungeons. For them, ecstasy is releasing control to someone else. The dungeon I worked in got a huge boost in revenue from police, military, & politicians who were stressed from the terrorist attacks. They NEEDED to go to the dungeon, in order to find relief.


I had a wonderful compliment written about me. A boy said, “Your blog is complex, but I like it. Very honest. You speak from an enlightened point of view. I've never seen a blog like yours, a kind of bodhisattva, wandering among the mortals for sport and amusement. Nothing to catch, kill, or screw. Yours is the all seeing, the gaze of oneness. Shine on.” It feels really good to be adored. When I am having an icky day, I will remember the compliment.

Fetish Experiment

I am fascinated with why some people develop fetishes. A true fetish is an item or action that MUST be present, in order for someone to have an orgasm. Most people do not have a true fetish. They have an intense love for something. I call them connoisseurs. However, they can still have an orgasm, without the object or action.

Whenever I find someone with a true fetish, I want to know how it became such a part of their make-up. For example, I knew a boy who could only have sex if his partner had on silk stockings. He even masturbated with them around his cock, if he did not have the luxury of having a partner. We tried other things. However, he became frustrated. He said he became hooked on silk stockings, because his first sexual experiences were with an older woman who only wore silk stockings. After that, he requested that his other sexual partners were those same items. They complied.

I wanted to see if I could change the way his brain functioned. Kind of like the reverse of creating a pavlovian reaction. Progressively, we changed the kind of stockings we used, going from silk to nylon to cotton. Then, we changed the article, going from pantyhose to scarves to blouses. Finally, I used them all. His body seemed to remember pleasurable things from all of the items, rather than just one. In the end, he could have an orgasm, because he was in contact with the sheets on the bed. He said the orgasm was much more extreme, because the item could be touching him from head to toe!

I wonder if this technique is used in other psychological ways.

Elvira: Mistress of the Vibrator

A few years ago, I was teaching a female masturbation class. In the class 20-40 women gather to learn how to masturbate with different techniques & toys. Yes, I know that sounds absurd. However, there is a large population of older women who have never had an orgasm.

In one of my classes, I met the very magnificent Elvira. No, not the one from TV. When I start the class, I get everyone into a large circle. They are surrounded by pillows & comforters. I hand out brand new sex toys still in the package, along with their matching batteries. I then get naked, telling the students that although my body is not perfect, it is a wonderful thing that I am not ashamed of. It’s my hope that they will get undressed too, although that is not a requirement.

In one class, before I had turned around, Elvira was completely naked & already riding her toy, telling me we should “get with it”, because she was about to blow. Her eyes got huge, a vein popped out in the middle of her forehead, she began to shake & hold her breath. I told her she would not have an orgasm easily, if she did not breathe. So, I started to breathe with her, in hopes she would relax. After some time, she did relax & her first orgasm of her life took place right before my eyes. It was incredible. Elvira, exhausted from her journey, curled up in the corner, under the heating lamps to fall asleep with her endorphins. Later she was heard snoring!

Several weeks went by & I got a phone call from George. George explained that his wife, Elvira, has recently attended one of my classes. Remembering her, I immediately asked how she was doing. He said she had become a miserable bitch that could not be tolerated & it was my entire fault. When I asked him why, he explained that ever since she attended one of my classes, she refused to let George touch her sexually, instead she only plays with her toys.

Disappointed, I suggested that George have a conversation with his wife, requesting that he be allowed to play with her too. I also recommended that he remove a few batteries here & there, & give them back to her in a playful matter, when she allowed him to play too. He said he would try & he hung up.

Two hours later, I got a very angry phone call from Elvira. She called me all sorts of awful names, telling me she was going to kill her husband for taking ALL of her batteries. I finally convinced her to allow a three way telephone conversation. Once I got both of them on, I coaxed them into playing nicely. Three months later, they both attended one of my couple’s classes.

Photography & Drugs

I now have two phone sex characters. One is a teenager & dominant. The other is in her mid twenties & submissive. I have to be very careful that each of them has their own voice, stories, laugh, phrases & personality or I will get them confused. On a regular basis, the same boy will call both characters. I would hate to disappoint a boy, knowing he figured out that we are the same person. So far, it has not happened.

The boys, on the other hand, repeat the same fantasies over & over. I had one today who went over the same fantasy he has had for the last 5 years. He wants to role-play being a wedding photographer who seduces one of the bridesmaids, after the wedding. He promises her professional photography & she promises him a blowjob. Gratefully, it’s just a traditional blowjob.

I had another boy who called & wanted to juice me up with every drug imaginable, before he fucked me. He must be really screwed up psychologically if even in his dreams, his partner has to be drugged up in order to appreciate him!

Can we "hang out" sometime?

I really have to get used to the thought of people believing that because I am available online that I am also available to just “hang out”. I am flattered of course. However, I find it odd that in the first five minutes of an online conversation, people want to meet me in person. I would never even consider asking such a personal thing of someone, without speaking to them online for several months. Am I missing something? Is it standard manners to think that everyone is available to everyone on the net?


A Seed

A friend of mine wrote this beautiful poem. It gave me chills, when I read it. I loved it so much; I ask to add it to my blog, with his website link attached. He approved the poem, but not the website link. I think he is a bit shy. Perhaps your comments will give him some confidence.

Silvery sparkles and swept back wings
I hunger as I think of dirty things
So delicate, so sweetly svelte
My appetite is whetted and deep desire felt
I want you more than I can say
But yet you giggle and dance away

Growling, yes, I gnash my teeth
Fettered and restrained, I'm just a beast
So succulent and dancing near
You tease me more, but I feel your fear
My tongue lolls out in a feral grin
Like the big bad wolf, I want in

Dance my pretty, prance and sway
Dance upon my web of silver-gray.
As you come closer, so nervous and tense
I chuckle and retreat towards my defense
You can't touch me I call with a tease
You can't bring me to my knees

Ah, you come closer and closer still!
Instead of pacing back, now I grow still.
With predators eyes and a wanton lust
Oh such luscious legs and swelling bust
I want you with such a rampant desire
It burns me inside like wildfire

I see you pause and study me
But the more you look, the more I preen
Look at me! So massive, so thick
Yet crouched and still, could this be a trick?
You know that you should back away
Ah, but curiosity makes you stay

Softly but steadily you draw oh so near
I am trembling, but what could it be--fear?
Fear of you? Oh my pretty no way!
Tis desire and your thighs I crave!
To taste you and inhale your smell
You are the devil of my private hell

You have taunted me hour after hour
And watched me stare with a lusty glower
Yet there you are so close and delicious
I shudder with lust, my grin turns vicious
Though you are poised to flee I want to pounce!
And devour your every tasty ounce

You know what I want, oh yes you do
But I don't sense the same want in you.
To you I am nothing but a freak
A curiosity, a beastly nose to tweak
What do you want I savagely howl
I must have you and have you now!

With a tinkling laugh you dart away
Your trap is ruined! Ruined! You say
But is it dear? How could you know?
Did you escape or did I let you go?
As you run and flit and flee
Do you really think you have escaped me?

A seed of wonder, a seed of curiosity
Is planted deep in your subconscious needs
A thing of longing, of desperate wanton desire
It will ignite Lust's flames with a searing fire
It will grow and grow and begin to feed
And then my dear, you'll come back for ME.

written by "spin"

Insight from an ex

I asked my ex-boyfriend what conversation I should have with any suitors, before I begin a relationship with them. I am sorry; he prefers that I call him a lover, verses ex-boyfriend. He said I should tell them the following:

"Look, I like you and all, but there are a few things you should know. I am extremely emotionally disassociated from other people and do not enjoy, nor do I want to learn to enjoy, deep emotional connections. Based on my past experience, it is highly likely that if we continue, you will find me interesting, fascinating, exotic, and entertaining. This has led people to fall in love with me. Because I am outgoing, friendly, and expressive in my interest in other people, they tend to interpret this as having a great deal more meaning to me than it does to them. This is not the case. It is HIGHLY unlikely that I will fall in love with you, and even if that highly unlikely event should occur, I would still DEFINATELY move on to someone else within the next two to three years."



A few years ago, someone asked me what kind of neighborhood I grew up in. Was it all white or multiracial? I paused for a moment & realized I did not have a clue. I could remember names & events, smells & laughter, but I could not describe the colors of my friends. When I mentioned that to my mother, she went into her favorite hording closet & returned with a small picture. In it was a group of grinning children, with my brother & me in the center. We couldn’t be more than four & five-years-old. Surrounding us was a sea of brown faces. Black, Asian, Hispanic, & suntanned white children. I now realize at the time, it did not matter what color our friends were. It only mattered who could run the fastest, throw the furthest, climb the highest, & read the best. We were simply friends without a color.

Fun Activities

Anal Play- An introduction to pleasing your woman through anal play. This guide walks through ways to pleasure her analy without pain, as well as explaining the more common anal toys.

Cunnilingus- In this day and age, most women expect their partner to not only give head, but to give it well. This article explores exercises and techniques to make you give better oral sex.

Erogenous Zones- Pleasuring her body is like playing a musical instrument. Although there are infinitely many ways to play it, you need to know where and when to touch to make it sound / feel good. This article covers the most common erogenous zones, and how to pleasure them.

Female Ejaculation- Some say it is merely a myth, but those who have experienced it will disagree. This article explains the confusion, the theory behind how it works, and tips on how you can experience it yourself!

Fingering Techniques- Although the old "just stick it in" approach "gets the job done", it certainly won't keep her coming back for more. This article contains a list of techniques to maximize her pleasure, and keep her begging for more.

G Spot- The legendary G Spot... Where it is, how to find it, and how to exploit it.

Vaginal Massage- An introduction to exploring her vagina with your hands.,0.jpg

Skin Hunger

I was recently chatting with a friend online & I mentioned that Beloved is a touch slut. He said that he had “skin hunger”. Then, he sent me this wonderful link.

Skin hunger (thing)

(all of Skin hunger, there are 2 more in this node)

(thing) by arianne (2.2 mon) (print)

? (I like it!) Thu Jan 29 2004 at 23:33:09
C! info: 10 C!s given by: Chris-O, etouffee, Chras4, Mitchevious, Morgon77, LaggedyAnne, izubachi, dannye, Lometa, Myrkabah

  1. A XXX film by Michael Zen starring Jeanna Fine and Lisa Ann. Sorry, no review here. If that's what you are looking for, you know where to go.
  2. From the 2 words, skin and hunger, it describes the desire or craving to be touched, usually from a long period of deprivation.
Skin hunger is a relatively new term that has been applied to the emotional response engendered by the loss of touch in our society. One of the five basic senses, touch is the only one deemed essential to human life. During WW II babies in orphanages developed Failure to thrive or even died when deprived of human contact. In a classic study by Harry Harlow, newborn monkeys were taken from their biological mothers and given surrogates made of either wire or soft terry cloth. The baby monkeys consistently chose the soft mother even when deprived of nourishment. The need for bonding outweighed even the basic necessity of food.

The need for touch extends beyond the early developmental years. It is the first sense to develop in utero and the last to diminish as we die. Babies and children with loving parents are cuddled and kissed and touched. As a child ages he seeks to become more independent and may even resist too much lovin'. How many of us parents have mourned the day our children became too big to sit in our laps anymore? Boys, especially, are discouraged from showing too much affection. To be a man means to be strong and stoic and emotion is deemed a sign of weakness.

Adolescence is a time of self discovery and growing sexual awareness. As kids grow into teens they may seek sexual intimacy even when not emotionally ready because the need for touch is so strong. How many girls have had sex prematurely when all they really wanted was to be held? Compounding the problem, many parents will decrease physical contact with their teens because of fears of inappropriateness.

Maturing into adults we face a world that explodes with sexual images but discourages more than a friendly nod or a handshake in public. Sexuality is OK but intimacy is not.

The elderly, the disabled and the very ill, aka the "Untouchables", are at greatest risk of touch deprivation. Living in isolated homes, the elderly and the disabled often have limited mobility and fears of victimization may prevent their venturing out. People with a terminal illness like HIV may have very little contact with another human being due to inherent fears of the disease. Although not as fulfilling as human contact, a pet may provide the bonding and comfort needed.

Americans, especially, suffer from a lack of intimacy with each other. Following a research project on touch around the world, social scientists rated the United States and Great Britain among the lowest touch countries studied. The "warmer" high-touch countries included Spain, France, Italy, and Greece.

Tiffany Field, Director of Touch Research Institutes at the University of Miami, feels touch is essential to how we learn, feel and think. A study conducted by Field compared the interaction of mothers and their children at playgrounds and McDonalds in Miami and Paris. The Parisian mothers touched their children far more often than their American counterparts. In addition, the French children displayed much less aggression than the American children.

The power of touch pervades all areas of our society. Salesmen may use a light touch to influence a potential client into a sale. Waitresses have been found to receive larger tips if they subtly touch a patron.

But the most well known association to touch is healing. The bible often makes reference to the "laying on of hands" to heal the sick. The word surgeon has its roots in the Greek word kheirourgos meaning "hand healer".

The modern healing touch can be found in different types of body work including massage, rolfing or reike, among others. Therapeutic massage is the most well known and accepted method of healing sore and injured muscles, reducing pain as well as imparting a feeling of relaxation and good will to the client. People experiencing skin hunger may often seek out massage just to satisfy their craving for touch.

What has led us to be so touch deprived?

Four trends in our society take most of the blame:


The age of technology has allowed us to interact with others around the world via satellitesmicrochips but has dehumanized our daily lives. In a recent poll Americans rated the cell phone as the device they hate the most, but can't live without. We interact more with our time-saving devices than we do with each other. and

Children of busy mothers may often be "surrounded by plastic". From the day care center to the home environment, infants are "contained" in car seats, strollers and playpens. When mom is too tired or busy to attend to them, children may be plunked in front of the electronic babysitter, the TV. Contrast this to the child who is held all day, snuggled close in a baby carrier, or has the opportunity to interact and play freely with his environment.

Disconnected lifestyles

Urbanization, two career families and the loss of the extended family have led us to isolation.

Husband and wives, caught up in work and family obligations, are often too exhausted to give each other the affection needed. A recent Newsweek cover story focused on the "so-called epidemic of low-sex or no sex marriages in America."1

We rarely know our neighbors or live close to parents and grandparents. We are suspicious of strangers and carefully guard our personal space when we meet new people. Only in small cities and towns in America do you find the connectedness and community needed to "keep in touch".

A Litigious Society

Touching someone can be a federal offense these days. With the new sexual harassment laws many people are afraid to extend a warm hug or a friendly touch. In addition, with the increase in child molestation, we must guard our children's safety and teach them the difference between good and bad touching. Unfortunately for our children, that means their caregivers must be especially guarded in showing them affection, even when appropriate. The media

Relaxed morals in mass media portray an unrealistic view of sexuality and relationships which can lead to inappropriate behavior and desires. We want what we see on the silver screen even if it is unattainable, further feeding our skin hunger.

To touch is to be human. It makes us feel valued and cared for. However, everyone is not comfortable with being touched. Some cultures and religions forbid touching someone other than a family member. When first meeting someone, take a clue from how they react to others and you will know if it is OK to approach. Just a pat on the shoulder or a touch on the hand is a caring gesture.

Now that you know how important it is, "reach out and touch someone" today!