Monday, January 26, 2009

Tinkle Tinkle Little Star

I headed to my probation officer late last month in order to complete my quarterly pee test. Although many people would complain at such a nuisance, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest, considering I don’t use drugs & to me, it’s just another chapter in my book. As in all things in my world, the simplest of things turned into a comedy routine.

I had prepared in advance of the trip, by drinking as much liquids as I possibly could. However, I seemingly drank too much & at the last moment had to pee at my apartment, before heading to Glen Burnie, 20 minutes away.

When I arrived, I patiently sat & waited for my name to be called. Once called, the admin lady walked with me across the hall to pee in my little cup across the hall in the public restroom. I entered the handicap stall, as she looked on. As I had mentioned in an earlier post, I have difficulty peeing in front of other people, particularly while holding a cup between my legs, when sitting on a cold toilet seat. As I explained my situation to the pee lady, she nodded & began a conversation with a cleaning lady, while shutting my stall door.

I tried. I tried. I swear I tried. I even pushed on my tummy, in hopes of getting few drops. No such luck! The pee lady smiling said that I could get friendly with the drinking fountain, while she took her 15 minute break. I agreed, returning the still sterile & empty cup to her & its plastic bag.

Heading for the water fountain, beside the elevator, I noticed a sight that can only be seen in the Department of Parole & Probation. A young girl, perhaps a teenager, strolled by with an infant in tow, along with a 7 month pregnant belly, carrying a handbag with the Playboy Bunny logo on it. Now I know how she got into that predicament!

As I began to guzzle water at one minute increments, my head & tummy began to swell, as my eyes popped out. I knew for sure I would be able to fill up at least a dozen little pee cups. Happily, when the pee lady returned we headed for the potties.

I tried. I tried. I swear I tried. I even pushed on my tummy, in hopes of getting few drops. No such luck! So, I casually started singing “Tinkle Tinkle Little Star”. I guess the idea worked, because low & behold, my pee lady scurried into the next stall & began to pee, while singing “Tinkle Tinkle Little Star”! The next person entered & began singing too. When I finally got up, after barely making it to the pee line in the cup, all four stalls were entertaining grown women singing “Tinkle Tinkle Little Star”.

Relived that the pee lady approved my donation, I left for home. You guessed it, once I arrived; I had to pee like a race horse!

Sushi, Cheeseburgers & Sex

I never realized how much food could be a key to a person’s personality.  I recently without success, started going out with two boys.

After several weeks of gentle coercing, the first willing decided to go to a sushi restaurant, if he could be guaranteed that they had vegetarian sushi.  Luckily, this particular restaurant had a vegetarian sushi platter.  He ordered & enjoyed everything, although he refused the mushrooms.  I also failed to tell him that I had slipped three seafood bites on his platter.  He loved those the most.  I decided not to tell him, because if our relationship continued, he would be angry at me for not being honest & sabotaging his stanch food regiment.  I knew at that point, if a boy was not willing to retry something he did not like from years ago, he was probably not the best choice for me.  That relationship continued for a few weeks, until we decided we were not a good match, considering he was focused on his job & being obsessed with another wench.

On the first date, with the second boy, we went to an Olive Garden.  Now, I would not really consider that the best choice on his behalf.  I don’t think I would run home & coo to my girlfriends “He such a nice guy & he took me to an Olive Garden for dinner!”  However, I quickly realized that his taste in food was limited to “American” & Italian.  While at the Olive Garden, he ordered a dish that was not on the menu.  He ordered spaghetti with plain sauce.  In my head I am thinking “You must be joking.  You are ordering a meal you could have made at home.  How boring.”  That should have been a clue right there.  However, hope springs eternal & I decided to take him for another test run at a local museum.  After the museum, we decided to eat at a more upscale restaurant.  There he ordered a cheeseburger, without the cheese & no tomatoes.  Then, I pointed out two appetizers I was interested in getting, one being the spinach & crab dip, the other being the hummus.  I asked which on he preferred, he replied that he did not like either.  When I asked him to pick something he would enjoy, he went for the most pedestrian choice:  Buffalo wings.  Even those ended up being too spicy for him.  In my head, I was thinking “Really?!”   After the meal, I told him I really enjoyed his time & energy.  However, I was not interested in him romantically.  If a boy is unwilling to have a little meat in his spaghetti sauce & cheese on his cheeseburger, what is he unwilling to have in bed?


Bacterial Infection

My mom called me calmly yesterday & said that my daddie has been in ICU for the past two days, fighting a bacteria infection. In addition, after doing a scan, it was discovered that his tumors are growing again. It was actually a rather good sign that she waited two days to call. Since she waited, I knew that things could have been a lot worse. She also agreed, saying that he was recovering nicely.